


Dance into the fire

by orphan_account



Series: We'll Make Different Mistakes This Time [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-03-19
Updated: 2012-03-23
Packaged: 2017-11-02 04:42:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/365081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur needs Merlin - but why? Why now, after hundreds of years?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Unfamiliar Territory

**Author's Note:**

> The title for this part of the series is taken from the song by Duran Duran from _A View to a Kill_. That should probably explain a little bit about this series as a whole, and if anyone is interested, the song can be found here on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdA9u_3WJNE &feature=related

He sat on the edge of what he had been informed was his bed and wondered what to do with himself. In the Land by the Lake, there had never been questions such as, ‘ _What now_?’ He thirsted, so he drank. He hungered, so he ate. He tired, so he slept. He spoke with the plants and the animals and the water. There was nothing else, and so there was no reason to believe anything else was needed. Now he ran curious fingers over the downy fabric of the ice-blue bedclothes, hearing again Arthur’s hopeful, “It used to be your favorite color, Merlin. Do you remember?” He didn’t.

Perhaps he should start there, then. He stared intensely at the color which he supposedly held above all others and sought to force the visual aide to trigger his memories. He might as well have been asking the sun to fall below the horizon before its time, and he welcomed the soft but steady tread he now recognized as Arthur’s footsteps against what He called the carpet. A quiet rap against his door and he bade Him, ‘ _Come in_.’

His door opened and a sheepish Arthur entered, rubbing His hand down the back of His neck. “I know this isn’t what you’re used to, but I hope you like it. If you decide you want to change anything, all you need to do is ask, and I’ll do my best to make it happen.”

Arthur watched him, and he watched right back. Finally he decided to do something about His uncertainty, and hoped that it actually worked. He was not entirely sure how to handle Him when He was not calm and kindly demanding like He had been the day before by the Lake. ‘… _Thank you_?’ He had meant to say it firmly, but it came out more like a question, and he was overcome by the sense that he had dealt with such social awkwardness before – which was more than likely the case, now that he knew there was more to himself than his life as it had been while entwined with the Lake and all its denizens, but the only way to confirm this would be to ask Arthur or one of the others who he had been introduced to yesterday, and he could not bring himself to do it. These people were all desperate for him to show some sign of recollecting his past, and any hint that it was not falling into place smoothly would only cause them unnecessary grief.

Letting out an extended sigh, Arthur moved to sit on the cushioned seat which came out from the wall below the window. “I guess I should explain some things now that you’ve had a little time to settle in. I didn’t want to overwhelm you with everything last night.”

‘ _I’m listening_.’

In spite of his assurance, Arthur remained silent for a time, perhaps wondering the best way to begin. He did not mind. Arthur’s presence had a calming effect, as did the opportunity to stare unabashedly into His eyes. Eyes which he noted were the exact color of his bedclothes. He wondered what that might mean, and if Arthur had ever made the connection.

At last, Arthur came to some sort of decision. “You were my world once, and then you left. It wasn’t until years later that I realized it was my fault.”


	2. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur has a lot of explaining to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, Arthur talks a lot. He's also deliberately vague, which is actually kind of hard to write - hence the several day gap between this chapter and the first.
> 
> The title for this chapter comes from Third Eye Blind's song _Eye Conqueror,_  
>  and this link to the video is provided below, in case anyone gets curious.
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZdA2Pfm8rM

Maybe Arthur had been right – maybe he really could not handle whatever He wanted to share. At the moment he could not even grasp this new world he lived in. This place beyond the land by the Lake was vast and bewildering, and his visions provided precious little help navigating it. Having someone look at him the way Arthur was right now, hearing the way He spoke about him… about Merlin, this person he must have been once, it was too much.

Resisting the urge to tell Him to save His story for another time was nearly impossible, but he knew that Arthur needed to share what was on His mind, and parts of himself which he did not fully understand felt compelled to give Him whatever He needed.

Arthur, who had fallen into a troubled silence following His initial declaration, cleared His throat, sheepish. “Starting in the middle was probably not the best idea I’ve ever had. Do you remember anything about your life before the Lake? Anything at all?”

Watching Arthur warily, he shook his head. He doubted that the impressions, the hints of past emotions which sometimes flashed into his consciousness, counted as remembering.

Suppressing a frown, He nodded tightly. “Alright then. You grew up in a small village with Hunith, your mother. She was very protective of you, partly because you were her only child, and partially because you had a secret – a dangerous secret that could get you killed. You had magic.” Arthur peered at him curiously. “Do you still have it?”

Warm, life-giving power flowed through and about him, and he found it odd that He felt the need to ask. How could anyone miss this? It was in everything _– he_ was in everything. ‘ _I still do_.’

He watched Him inhale slowly and close His eyes. “Good, Merlin. That’s good.” Lids parting, His gaze fixed upon him once more. “Where I came from, magic was against the law. My father, the king, did everything he could to wipe as many magic users out as he could, even going after the dragonlords and the dragons themselves. For reasons I do not fully understand, your mother sent you to my kingdom – to Camelot – and within the first few days, you saved my life. After that you became a member of the household, and you hid your powers from almost everyone, but especially from me, though you were my constant companion.” Arthur’s voice held not bitterness, but it bled through in the tense line of His shoulders and the shadows in His eyes.

Guilt for something he had no memory of swept through him, and he wanted to reach out, to offer comfort or penance, but even perched on the window seat a few feet away, Arthur was too far. He settled for a whispery, _‘I’m sorry_ ,’ and watched as Arthur shook His head, tiny quirk of His lips absolving him of any blame.

“I forgave you a long time ago. I’m the one who should be apologizing. I should have tried harder to make you feel safe when you were with me. You always listened to me when I felt like I couldn’t handle something on my own, even if I thought that I should, but I never really returned the favor.” He twisted a thick band of silver with detailing too far away to discern and sighed. “That’s going to change, though. This time, I’m going to be there for you whenever you need me.” Huffing a laugh, He joked, “You’re going to get so sick of me asking you how you’re doing, if there’s anything you need or something you have on your mind,” before becoming serious once more. “But that’s how it should be.”

Noting the dark bags under His eyes and the lines of stress around His mouth and temple, he determined to be there for Arthur as well, irritating questions and all.

“But, we were talking about your life before. Eventually, my father died, though I found out much later that you disguised yourself so you could do magic to keep him alive. There was a traitor in our midst, though. My uncle Agravaine. He worked for a magic user who wanted revenge against me and my father, and he helped to reverse the magic you used to heal him. Because I thought at the time it was all a plot against my father, I turned my back on magic completely, never realizing I was pushing you away. I even promised the druids equality – and at the time, I meant it. But I never made any effort to open Camelot to sorcerers, and I continued to honor my father’s laws. You must understand, I could not risk repealing his life’s work so soon after his death, no matter what I told the druids. I tried to soften the penalties for magic users – my father would have sent a child to his grave for even the suspicion of magic, but I always strove to find proof of any illegal activity before passing judgment, and I tried to protect the younger ones. Children were sent into exile with their families, to give them a fighting chance of survival, and adults were exiled alone. I never told you that I made arrangements with Queen Annis to take the exiled magic users under her protection, but she was glad to have them – her kingdom needed all the help it could get, and for the most part, the magic users were so grateful to be among people who accepted their kind that they were happy to use their magic in the service of the queen. I suppose it must have eventually become too much for you, because one day I exiled another little boy and his family, and the next you were gone.” He fell silent, images of dozens of different people living out the same story passing before His eyes.

Wanting to allow Arthur whatever He needed to finish His tale or perhaps set it aside for the next day, he ventured into the hallway, taking the path toward the kitchen. Though he had eaten breakfast and lunch in this place earlier in the day, the objects and minimal decorations still threatened to overwhelm him. All he wanted was to fetch Arthur a drink of water. He pictured once more the systematic way Arthur had navigated His kitchen while preparing their meals, and walked over to the… cabinet? Which was closest to the – he was fairly certain Arthur had called it a fridge. He opened the lightly colored door, recalling with a flush to his ears and cheeks the horror with which he had reacted to the sight of what looked like butchered trees all throughout the room. After working out the cause for his distress, Arthur had laughed not unkindly and explained that it was not, in fact, from trees, but had been made to look that way. This idea of disguising things as dead trees baffled him immensely, but then, so had the contraption which they had ridden in on their journey from the forest surrounding the Lake. At least he had actually seen visions of those in his mind’s eye prior to experiencing it in reality, though. These… furnishings… were rather beyond him.

He fumbled through selecting a glass and then finding the container filled with water, feeling the strange texture of what Arthur had called ‘plastic’ sliding under his fingers before finishing and returning to his bedroom. After slipping the glass into His fingers, drawing Him back from wherever His mind wandered, he settled beside Arthur in the remaining space on the window seat, back against the wall and legs pulled in close to his chest. He peered at Arthur as He took several small sips of water and then glanced at him out of the corner of His eyes. “Thank you.”

He blinked, amiably acknowledging the appreciation and waited patiently.

Arthur swallowed a few more sips and then lowered the glass, cradling it in both hands and running one thumb around the rim. Staring at the liquid within, he said, “It wasn’t just the magic that drove us apart. Or perhaps it was, and everything else simply made it more apparent. Not long after I became king, I married a friend of ours, largely for the good of the kingdom, but partly at your own behest. In the beginning, I tried to keep you close. I made you my advisor, because you no longer had a reason to be my manservant – my wife was more than capable of seeing to my needs – but you also served as the court physician’s assistant, and over time you took to carrying out most of his duties, taking you further and further from the castle for longer periods of time. Then the court physician died, and you were hardly ever within the castle walls. By the time that little boy was accused of casting spells, you and I rarely spent any time together outside of council meetings and affairs of state, and so for a few days, none of us realized what had happened.” He stopped and drank a bit more, purely to give His hands something to do. Then, He heaved a ragged sigh and admitted, “Two weeks after you took off, I sent out search parties. I even led one of them myself, in spite of my wife and the council’s protests. That was when the Great Dragon found me. He waited until I separated from my party on the second night of our search, unable to sleep, and then he told me about your magic and where you had gone.”

He set the glass of water on the floor and then turned to face His companion, taking his hands. “You have to believe me, Merlin, he told me that you were where you wanted to be, that you needed to be there, or I would never have let you stay there. But I saw what being in Camelot was doing to you, and I wanted you to be happy, even if that meant that I could never see you again.”

Belief in Arthur was never a question, not for him. Squeezing the hands which gripped his own, he sent soothing impressions and a feeling of unshakable faith to Arthur’s mind and watched His shoulders loosen and His pinched expression ease. ‘ _I believe you. But Arthur… what happened after you went back?_ ’

Bowing His head, Arthur breathed out slowly and then told him, “For a while, nothing. I was… I was angry with you, even though I made the decision not to drag you back with me. But that faded over time, and I started to see all of the things I had done to drive you away, and then I started feeling restless. I wanted to change the things that had made your life so difficult for so many years. I started to repeal the laws on magic. It was truly astonishing how many people in Camelot – people who had lived there all their lives, some with children and even grandchildren – began openly practicing once the laws were gone. The kingdom entered a golden age that lasted for nearly a decade. The people prospered and wanted for nothing. If perhaps there were those who resented the crown, in those days no one gave any sign of it.” His mouth twisted into a snarl. “Then a druid came to serve as Court Sorcerer. No one looked at him and remembered a little boy who lost his father twenty years ago. All they saw was a tall, quiet young man willing to serve king and country. But an army of magic users and enemies of Camelot gathered together and declared war on the kingdom, and on the field of Camlann, Mordred walked not beside me, but at the head of the opposing army. We died at each other’s hand.”

Enthralled by Arthur’s tale, it took him longer than it should have to ask Him, ‘ _How did you come back?_ ’

Arthur gave him a sardonic look and deadpanned, “With magic.”

 

 


End file.
